Retracing The Steps
by DarlingHarleyQuinn
Summary: Inspired by the book "Just Listen" by Sarah Dessen, I hope to tell the story of putting the pieces together. Maya, moving in with her boyfriend, Mark, starts a new life. To her, the new apartment represents a new home, a new beginning, an escape. But, as she tells him the story will she try running further from what's real or finally put it all together and find who she is today?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1:

I look out the window as I hear a car approaching. The tenth car to pass in the last hour and finally I see the shiny black of the 2010 Ford Escape I've been waiting for. I casually turn towards my bed- **THE** bed, no longer mine- and tenderly look at my older sister. From the bed she reaches out to grab my hand and lifts herself up. We each take the two bags at the floor, never dropping each others hands, and head down stairs. Not a single word uttered.

"Mom, Dad, Mark is here". I announce at my presence and departure.

My mother rushes over to me and gives me a hug forcing me to break hold with my sister, Amber. Amber runs over to the rest of my bags and begins taking them to the car. My father stands aside, waiting for my mother to finish bawling her eyes out, and hugs me gently before standing back and nodding once. I remind them once that I'm only headed to college, that I'll be back for holidays and the summer. But I cry a little too. At the thought of coming back to this home, a ball the size of a fist forms in my throat and the tears flow like the river I used fish at with the family.

I never want to come back to this house.

When the water works are over Amber comes back in. She has always been one for the concealment of emotions. Because of this, whenever she speaks her words stream reality. Those around her better believe that when she speaks, she's declaring something of importance. Her actions always speak louder than her quiet voice but both are weaker than a picture. Pictures may be worth a thousand words but they could never add up to anything that Amber can display. Less than 2 years apart in age, I know this better than anyone. Months ago, I was the only one who could tell that something was wrong.

I start towards the door. I look back at the kitchen, the cake and plates still left out, the banner above it all reading "Good Luck, Maya". _I'll need it_, I think to myself before looking back to blow my family a kiss. I step outside the door and leisurely start the trek across the street. With what little energy I have, the walk feels as though I'm crossing a desert. And what lies on the other side, I have no idea.

Once I reach the other side, I look across the street at a house I used to know. It's strange; a family I knew used to live there and while that family is mine, we're much different now. We're not the same- or at least I'm not. As the browning leaves fall towards the ground in crazy spirals with the wind, those walking on the street in hooded jackets can feel the change. But I'll wonder who knows what went on in that white house, now browning at the edges as dirt brushes up against it. I'll wonder for the rest of my years but I'll never reveal the secrets to anyone other than Mark.

The car horn blows as Mark, my current boyfriend, pulls me out of my thoughts. I climb in the car, speechless and mourning, and take my seat next to Mark after throwing my last bag in the back. He grabs my hand and the ride begins in silence. I watch the house go by in a white blur and let the last tear drop onto our hands. Hopefully it'll be the last for a while.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

"All you guys have to do is sign your names. Or...are your parents paying for the apartment?" Susan Moore- our real estate agent- asks, once again noting our age.

I roll my eyes- not just at her but generally at everyone who thinks we're moving too fast for kids fresh out of high school. But this isn't about our relationship, she's more concerned about the money.

"We'll be paying for the apartment", I announce aggressively. I've been modeling most of my life- unfortunately- and have four years left in my working contract. Mark's music has been really successful and as a matter of fact his band is opening for a group called Dying Dawn on Saturday, tomorrow night. Also his radio show brings in quite a bit of money too.

I sign my name Maya Richmond right next to Mark Johnson.

"Our names look good next to each other. Maybe they'll look even better on marriage papers some day soon", Mark claims without thinking. I look at him intensely burning my eyes into his mind so that maybe he can understand that topic is not up for discussion. After a few seconds of awkward and deadly silence I walk away from our position in the kitchen and head toward the bedroom. I start to think that maybe a one bed room apartment was not such a good idea. But I can't be afraid to move on anymore. As my mind turns gadgets processing what my future holds, I hear the door lock after Ms. Moore exits our new home. I turn my head as I hear Mark trudging towards me. He sits down on the bed.

"I will apologize because it may be a little soon. But not for loving you. Not for wanting to spend my life with you. But I can understand you're not ready yet. " He pulls me on to his lap. "But get ready Maya, because its finally happening". He kisses me tenderly.

Just like always, as his lips touch mine I forget what a horrible place the world can be. He deepens the kiss and holds on to both sides of my face as he lowers me down on the bed. From a position on top of me, he continues to kiss me sliding his hands to the hem of my shirt. But I stop him. I always stop him. "_Just a little bit further_" A voice in my mind whispers. I hurl myself from under him and off the bed. He exhales deeply and runs his fingers through the tight curls of dark brown hair, clearly frustrated.

"Hey. I'm sorry I'm just-"

"Not ready yet. I know" He cuts me off.

To calm the fire that our passion has created, I grab a glass of water from the kitchen and bring a bowl of ice cream and two spoons into the bed room. We sit in silence as we eat.

"Hey, it's time" Mark reminds me of my modeling shoot today at 5:00. I dread going especially with so much weight on my mind from all my current stress.

Mark and I pull up to the Manhattan Mall and I take one of those atrocious sighs that you hear and just know excitement is a long way off. Mark gets out of the car and comes over to the passengers side and makes a funny face against the window. Although the ride in my Mustang was uncommunicative and uncomfortable- Mark's large six foot frame not exactly fitting in the car- he still understands my frustration and will do anything to put a smile on my stone face. And he did just that. He opens my door and pulls me out and asks if I'm ready.

"As ready as I can be if we want bills paid"

"I told you already you shouldn't have to do something you don't want to. I can do extra shifts at work. "

Not saying anything I start walking towards the doors of the closed mall. He knows exactly why I'm still sticking with this modeling job. My modeling is my mother's life. By contract I could leave whenever I want as long as I give notice and time to find a replacement. By the unspoken contract between my mother and I, I have to model for the next four years of college to help her pay for it and put a smile on her fragile face. A smile is hard to find as of late.

I march into the shoot, confidence plastered on my face. However the confidence is completely obliterated at the sound of Mark's deep vibrating laughter beside me. The theme for the Aeropastale photo shoot today is comfortable lounge wear- so comfortable you could sleep in it. In other words just sweats and pajamas according to Mark. But what I was looking at was anything but comfortable.

About ten other female models sitting around in comfortable clothes looking the exact opposite. Hair all done up, make up plastered, posing all just to look as though one's ready for bed. Oh, and you can't forget the fake pillow fight going on to my left. I laughed along with Mark pulling him to hair and make up.

Mark pulls out his iPod and put one headphone in my ear, the other in his. Holding my hand we listen to the music, just listening, as I supposedly get 'ready for bed'. We listen to everything from Mark's rock band to the underground hip hop and rap I've introduced him to. I think to myself that I can't wait to get home, hopefully to show Mark that I am finally ready.

Two and a half long dull hours later, we pull up to the apartment on the streets of Manhattan New York. I hurriedly rush out the car and to the front door shoving my key in the lock and bounding up the stairs. Mark, shocked and confused, follows me to the bed room just in time for me to shut and lock the door in his face.

"Just wait a little bit, I have a surprise for you", I shout, "Just listen to some music"

I hear Led Zeppelin's Thank you begin pouring through the speakers. _Yeah I'm ready._


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

As the music dies down and I hear Mark settling into the couch, I glance towards the mirror one last time. I unpin my hair letting it fall past my shoulders. Taking a deep breath, I tighten my robe and reach for the door handle, which is cold under my sweating palms. Prying the door open using my courage as force I call out into the living room.

"Mark...er... come here please". I try to keep my voice calm and even but it shudders in all my weakness. Mark rises from his position on the couch and turns intent on heading towards the room but stops in his tracks. I nervously wave and fidget with the robe once more. hours seem to pass before Mark takes action. Stepping around the couch and crossing down the hall, Mark closes the distance between us placing his hands on my hips.

"Maya, you're gorgeous. I mean, you're always beautiful but... Wow"

Both of us seem to be at a loss for words. Our sentences blurring together as words stumble over each other. Not knowing what to say and never truly feeling as beautiful as he describes, I decide on not saying anything at all. I stand on the tips of my toes and reach up to kiss him. A long deep and passionate kiss passes between our lips and the temperature in the room rises with each time our tongues glide past each other. Pulling away I look deeply into his delicious green apple eyes. With a teasing smile and mock courage, I turn my back towards him and head back into the room. Reaching the foot of the bed, I drop the robe. Glancing into the mirror I see what he sees. My small girlish frame barely covered. Black lace panties that I picked up at the Victoria's Secret store before we left the mall. A small white bustier. But my view to the mirror is obstructed.

Mark approaches me slowly and gently, placing hands that still prove to be firm on either side of my waist. He leans down and presses a tender kiss to the corner of my lips, a pause in between before moving on to kissing me fully. His tongue traces my bottom lip begging entry into my mouth which is almost immediately granted. The lustful kiss travels and I find warm lips pressed against my neck and I can feel every breath Mark takes.

"Maya", He pulls away and grasps my shoulders, holding me at eye level. "Maya, are you...are you sure?"

I swallow because I haven't really thought about if I was sure. I haven't really thought period. This was a spur of the moment reaction. From the moment I grabbed the clothes off the hanger at the store, my brain was set in auto pilot. I simply wanted to make him happy, show him I'm ready for this life with him but...am I?

In late response to his question I don't answer. Again, I kiss him hoping my mind will soon be made on its own. But the voice comes again. As soon as we reach the bed. _"Just a little bit further"_

Mark moves on top of me and from there I loose all focus. My breath catches in my throat and I can't breathe. My body is completely motionless and next thing I know I'm sitting on the couch, my robe back on and Mark rubbing my back holding a glass of water for me to take. I look up into darkened hazel eyes. Looking into his eyes that dark I read a thousand emotions. Fear passes, anger, love and concern take over one by one. Finally he settles on understanding.

"If you expect me not to be scared when this continuously happens, you're going to have to explain" Mark says. He knows part of the story but not all of it. A small part of me wishes that would be enough so that I wouldn't have to relive the story. But that part of me is selfish. " I need to hear from you what's stopping you"

I inhale deeply. How long will this story take? And will he run out in the middle of it? Exhaling I prepare to let it all out. If he needs to hear it, then he'll need to hear from beginning to end.

* * *

**A/N I'm having trouble making the chapters long. Well to be honest I'm having trouble making the chapters. I don't find the need to write a story that no body reads. :/ May be starting a New Girl FanFiction...,maybe**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N Well someone is following this story so I'm going to write just for you. And I do mean someONE, one person. Thanks for the support. Check out my other work blah blah blah**.

I take a deep breath, willing my panic fastened lips to tell the heart aching story that has haunted me for much to long. Starting a the very beginning it makes no sense. How liars can trick someone into falling in love to only to rupture all that they once knew. It's mystifying how everything can start so beautifully alluring, drawing you in until it all comes crashing. And painfully enough, the beauty becomes just a memory.

Inhaling I remember it all the clearly.

** A/N. I'm so sorry guys. I lack inspiration to write this story. I have other stuff though and if you want to know where I was going with this story feel free to PM me. However this isn't working out :( Bye**


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